I know I haven’t really blogged lately. Was it ’cause I was busy? Well, sorta. Lazy? Also a bit of that. But I think it’s got more to do with something else: I don’t know what my blog should be anymore.
I started this blog late last year as I was leaving on an exchange program so that I could keep family and friends updated on stuff that’s happening in my life. Things I’ve seen, what I do, etc, etc. But now that I’m back, I don’t quite know what I want to talk about anymore.
Sure, I can talk about my life: what I did today, yesterday, the day before that, and the days before THAT. After all a blog can be a personal journal. But a mere report on daily activities is sure going to be boring. There’s more to what goes on in my days that mere happenings that come and pass. The more exciting, interesting or meaningful part lies in the thoughts that go through my brains and the feelings that envelope me. But sadly, I don’t feel I can write these down all the time.
Which is why I feel a little frustrated. I am after all, in one way or another, writing about my life here. I want to remember what I feel and thought about certain things. Not just remember which movies I watched and what I ate when I hung out with so-and-so at xxx place. I want to write about things that truly affect my life. But I fall prey to self-censorship.
I’m afriad I would harm other’s feelings or expectations if I write certain things I thought. I’m afraid people would be judgemental of me because of whatever I choose to write. Some of the things that goes on are memorable but I stop myself from writing them down because of all these.
Which really frustrates me sometimes, because isn’t a journal, in whatever form, a record of a person’s life? What’s the point of writing one when the parts that mean something are left out?
So, I thought: “Maybe I should just write annonymously. Then I can write about anything without having to tread carefully and think whether it will affect the people close to me. No restrains.
But it makes no sense too. ‘Cause I’m still keeping this blog with part of its old purpose to inform family and friends about what goes on wherever I am, especially since I travel back and forth between Malaysia and Singapore all year round. But sometimes, I can’t help but feel a little disappointed when I can’t post certain stuff that means something to me, or just something that I’d like to write down for memory’s sake. Societal taboo, feelings of family and friends, etc etc, are all stopping that.
Some of you might say, the thing that’s really stopping me is myself. True — that’s why I said “self-censorship”. But my life isn’t just about me, but also about the people around me. What I do might affect others, which might also in turn affect me, and so on and so forth.
Sigh. That’s why I’ve been quiet these days. I’ll post again if something beyond the routine happens, but otherwise, I don’t think I’m in the mood to write more.